The Southwest DMV Station Friday.

They don’t make it easy here in the District to comply with the motor vehicle laws. I had 60 days after I arrived in town to get a replacement driver’s license and register my car in the district. It’s been more like, oh, 180. I’d heard the Department of Motor Vehicles was a Soviet-style nightmare, and although I’d really hoped to be able to say the experience wasn’t all that bad, in fact it was. On Friday, I went to “convert” my Michigan license to a D.C. one at the DMV Southwest Center. I arrived at 9:15 a.m., an hour after it opened. Here’s what I needed to bring with me:

• Proof of residency
• Proof of citizenship
• Proof of Social Security number
• Proof of ability to drive

To start with, proving your residency in the District isn’t easy. You can bring a your deed or lease, or a bill mailed to you, but it can’t be just any bill — it must be a utility bill, and a mobile telephone doesn’t count. If, by chance, your utilities are in the name of your spouse, parent or roommate, you must bring a form from him/her testifying that you live there, along with his/her proof of identity. (”Mom? Can I have your passport?”)

A birth certificate or passport proves citizenship. Now, once I’ve proved my citizenship, why is my Social Security number needed? Why is my driver’s license even connected to my Social Security number? This is particularly irritating to me because, sometime in the last 35 years, I have lost my original Social Security card. (By the way, why is this crucial document printed on a flimsy little piece of paper with no discernible anti-forgery measures, such as those found on even the $10 bill?) I’ve always been able to work around it, even when we lived in Belgium, where I had to show them my marriage license to get an identity card. Until now.

So I needed to prove that my Social Security number is what I said it was. I didn’t have my SS card, but I had a W-2 and a tax return, which I showed the gatekeeping triage customer service specialist at first counter. “Is the tax return certified?” he asked. No. Fail! I had only one alternative document and I needed two. He said I needed my Social Security card, or verification from a Social Security Administration office that my alleged number is mine. So I got back on the green line to the Anacostia station, walked four blocks to the Social Security Administration office, stood in line, got a number and sat down in a metal folding chair along with a couple of dozen other people who needed help. The power went out for 15 seconds or so. “Stay calm,” someone shouted. When the lights came back on, all the computers rebooted, and something beeped for another 10 minutes.

Once my turn came, the Social Security clerk was helpful. She needed only my Michigan driver’s license to verify my identity, ordered a replacement card for me and gave me the key document to take to DMV.

I took the green line back to Waterfront-SEU. Walked two blocks to the DMV. By this time it was 11:15, and a bigger crowd had arrived, hoping to get their DMV business done during their lunch hour. Poor fools! I made it past the Cerberus triage agent and received number C341. They were working on C320. About 90 minutes later, they called my number. Once I got to the counter, the woman there was friendly, competent and helpful, and the procedure took only 10 minutes, counting the photo and getting the license. At 1:20 I had my license, four hours after I’d first arrived at DMV.

Here’s how my experience stacks up against DMV Key Performance Indicators: The average time waiting for a driver’s license or ID — note that this time is only the time from gatekeeping triage agent to the counter agent, not counting the time you stand in line waiting to see the first agent — at DMV in 2009 was 23 minutes. 81% completed their visit in 40 minutes or less, worse than in 2008, due to the closing of the Brentwood Station. Another DMV KPI: they hope to have 83% of customers rating Driver Services as Satisfactory or better this year. Good luck with that.

Next week I am getting my car inspected and, I hope, registered in the District.